Lube musings
By Katy Wagner - November 4, 2025
I’m currently reading Hot and Unbothered, a really lovely book written by sex therapist Yana Tallon-Hicks. In it, she talks about the importance of being able to “kill the mood”, or interrupt the flow of a sexual encounter to make adjustments and get what you need to best enjoy the experience.
This got me thinking about the various reasons you might need to say “wait a minute”, and needing lube came in pretty high on the list. This might be my own personal experience, but I feel like it’s frequently more awkward even than stopping to grab a condom. Maybe it’s because I’m 41 and use lube way more than condoms at this point in my life. Maybe because it’s strictly for my own pleasure? Unsure, and that’s not the point of this particular piece.
The point
The actual point is that lube is great and people should use way more of it, even if you have to put a pause on things to do so.
Unfortunately, there’s a shockingly intense stigma around lube use: there’s this idea that young, healthy vaginas should produce plenty of their own. Through this lens, reaching for your bedside KY Jelly is an indicator that you’re old. Or busted. Or both. And it’s true that age and certain health conditions can reduce vaginal lubrication! There’s nothing wrong with that! But it’s also true that sometimes even the peak-sexualitiest, most turned on of crotches just doesn’t get that wet. And sometimes you’re not having penetrative sex with a vagina at all!
So, when might you want to use lube?
- During foreplay! I think that there are some people for whom dry rubbing is fun. I am not one of those people. Adding a little lubrication to your foreplay can help set the mood.
- When using toys! Silicone toys are relatively high friction and benefit from extra slip to do the most good. Just make sure you’re using a water-based lube with silicone toys, otherwise they’ll melt - here’s a look at the chemistry behind why that is.
- Butt stuff! Booties are very delicate and not self-lubricating. Using plenty of lube helps to reduce the risk of tears or other injuries, which may also reduce the risk of transmitting HIV or other STIs. Note that this isn’t a substitute for preventive measures like condom use and PrEP, but it makes a good companion to these things.
- “Outercourse”! I personally find this word extremely corny, but the act of rubbing up against your partner feels great and it feels even better when you’re not getting friction burns.
- Solo play! One of my very absolute favorite things in the world right now is pairing my Magic Wand with Wicked Aqua Heat .
- Trying to conceive! There are several lubes with specific formulations to help promote sperm motility, so consider that if you’re on this particular journey. Jo Actively Trying comes highly recommended.
Here’s what I’m currently using
Unsurprisingly, I’m a person with a lot of lube opinions. I started forming them when I got my first bottle of drugstore Astroglide 25 years ago and haven’t stopped.
- Sliquid Silk: Sliquid has been my go-to brand for many years. I LOVE the texture of this hybrid lube, and it’s currently my PIV lube of choice. The hybrid silicone/water formulation means it’s a little bit thicker and has excellent staying power without getting sticky.
- Wicked Aqua Heat: This water-based warming lube builds heat subtly in a way that pairs so well with a vibrator. I’m not a huge fan of how it feels internally, though. The sensation is fine, it’s just not for me.
- Good Clean Love Almost Naked: More of a gel, I really like this lube for ✨hand stuff✨. It’s less drippy so you can use more without getting it everywhere. It does have a very specific odor and gets a little sticky after a while, but is great for getting started.
And remember…
Finally, the sex educator in me would be remiss if I didn’t remind you to please NOT under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES use oil-based lube with latex condoms OR silicone lube with silicone toys. Everything will melt and you’ll be very sad.
Have fun out there and stay slippery!
None of this information should be interpreted as medical advice. I am not a medical professional.
Also, I'm not affiliated with or receiving sponsorship from any of the aforementioned products, books, or people. I just think they're neat.
